Pigskin Pickins return for 2009-2010

by Reginald Rogers
Paraglide

Are you ready for some football? A Monday night party ... ?

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again. Leaves have started to change colors and many are beginning their descent to their final resting places. The temperature is getting a little cooler and the smell of gridiron grass is in the air. That’s right, sports fans; it’s the time of year for my favorite seasons – autumn and football.

For those of you who were here last year, you may recall that the Paraglide started what has become our annual Pigskin Pickins column. That is the feature in the sports section where four staff members, Editor Stephenie Tatum, Graphic Illustrator Mark Weckman and Layout Artist Michelle Butzgy, and I go to our neutral corners, strategize and meet every Thursday to lay the smackdown on each other as we try to pick the National Football League’s weekly winners. If you were not here last year, welcome to Sports Brutality 101.

This is a dirty business and this year will probably be one of the worst. Each week, you will be treated to some of the most brutal comments about sports teams and each other as we try to cut through the cotton and find the hardest and most accurate football predictor on post.

Major transactions in the off-season have leveled the playing field and some of the more popular teams are sure to be toppled from the NFL pedestal for the likes of a few also-rans. This season, teams like the Houston Texans, Oakland Raiders, Philadelphia Eagles and believe it or not, the Detroit Lions have made the right moves and are now set to be contenders. While teams like the New England Patriots, New York Giants and Jacksonville Jaguars will make a gradual descent down the prominence ladder. Based on these proceedings, the Paraglide staff will have a hard job ahead.

However, in the words of the late pitchman Billy Mays, ‘But wait, there’s more.’ You, the readers, can also take part in the process as well. Each week, we will feature a guest picker, who gets to match wits with the Paraglide staff to see if your picks are better than ours.

Are you feeling optimistic yet? Don’t because so far, no good. We have trashed every guest picker that has come forth to meet the challenge and it is my guess that that legacy will continue. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t collaborate when it comes to our picks. In fact, it’s just the opposite. In this contest, it’s every man, or woman, for him, or herself. This is a tough competition, no room for the faint of heart. There is also no favoritism here. If you’re soft, stay home. But if you care to take a dare, bring it on.

Just to give you a re-cap of last year’s competition, Tatum, a die-hard Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan, took first overall. She literally walloped the competition, albeit with a little help. (Whisper: her husband John helped her.) But, with Mr. Tatum temporarily out of the picture, we all get to see what the Paraglide’s head honcho is made of. Whenever Tampa Bay wins, she is known for touting, “fire the cannons, boys!” I say, fire away. There’s no way they will get rid of all that ammo. They may as well stockpile because Tampa Bay is in for a long season. Good luck, Tatum.
Also in the competition, Weckman, an unlikely boy-wonder who mustered enough guesses to finish in second place. What are the chances? Last year, I took him lightly, saying to myself, this kid couldn’t pick a winner in a one-horse race.

Is that crow I’m tasting?

This year, I’ll have to take him a little more seriously. He has proven to be a formidable foe, and … he is a Cowboys fan, also.

I finished in third place last year, after talking much smack in the preseason. Several lackluster performances by my beloved Cowboys derailed may efforts several times. The Green Bay Packers were also responsible for my failed attempts. As for Dallas, Terrell Owens is out of the picture and there is no Jessica Simpson to distract quarterback Tony Romo, I expect to improve my record this year. We’ll see what happens.

As for Butzgy, her blatant despise of the New England Patriots proved to be her undoing. She never, ever chose the AFC-leading Pats and she paid for it dearly. As far as I know, her game-plan will remain the same this season. Hopefully, the results will be different. Godspeed, you stubborn woman.

But as bad as it seems, she still didn’t finish last overall. That distinct honor goes to you, the readers. As I mentioned before the guest pickers recorded more than 250 losses last season. That record looks to stand, as there have been no volunteers to take the challenge of being a guest picker. To be a guest picker, simply send an e-mail with your full name, unit and phone number to braggparaglide@conus.army.mil. Don’t forget to specify why you would be the best candidate. Then we’ll let the chips fall where they may. If it sounds like I’m calling you out, then guess what, I am. I challenge all of you wannabe sports fans to show me what you’ve got. As an added incentive, at the end of the season, if the guest pickers take first place, I will personally write a feature article on the guest picker with the best overall record for his week and I will feature it on the front of the sports page. Any takers? Didn’t think so.
Until next time, I’m out.